The Kids Come First

WE PUT OUR CHILDRENS’ HAPPINESS FIRST. I have been asked by several people over the years how we get along so well and how my kids seem to be so happy considering I’m “divorced”. It all comes down to the following paragraphs that we’ve figured out on our own or picked up a piece here and there from others. Live these paragraphs and you will have happy, healthy children who will not be lacking in self-esteem. What have you got to lose??

B ~ R ~ E ~ A ~ T ~ H ~ E

Keep breathing. You’ll get through this. It may seem like you won’t but I promise you will. JUST BREATHE!!


THE CHILDREN COME FIRST

You have to say this, mean this and LIVE this. This is your new mantra and on those days when you’d rather smash your ex in the face with something, this is the sentence that needs to come into your head and you need to LIVE this. This one sentence you will LIVE for the rest of your life if you want happy children.

GET ON THE SAME PAGE AS YOUR CO-PARENT

By this statement I simply mean to have a conversation as to how you are going to answer those questions they’ll be sure to ask both of you. My kids were looking for consistency, it made them feel safe.
These are some examples of what my children asked and the answers that were given to them.

“Why are you not living with us”? Mommy and Daddy tried really hard but sometimes when you’re a grown up bigger things get in the way and we’re going to be a better mommy/daddy living apart.

“Do you still love Mommy/Daddy”? I will always love Mommy/Daddy because he/she gave me you, it’s just a different kind of love now.

“What is going to happen to us”? You are going to live with Mommy/Daddy because that’s what we decided would be best but you will see Mommy/Daddy (insert schedule here) and Mommy/Daddy is always just a phone call away.

“Can you divorce us”? No, when we got pregnant with you, you grew inside of our hearts and nothing could EVER make that change.

“Are you ever going to live with us again”? No because Mommy and Daddy think this is the best for all of us even if it doesn’t feel like it right now.

“Why do we have to live with Mommy/Daddy”? You have to live with Mommy/Daddy because that is what we decided was best and a judge agreed with us and that is just how things are going to be.
“Why can’t we live with you”? Repeat statement above.

IT’S OK TO BE SAD, ANGRY OR BOTH AND IT’S OK TO ADMIT IT!

There are going to be a lot of these days in the beginning and I’m here to tell you it doesn’t make you weak and you WILL get past it, I promise.

I tried really hard when I first separated to not let my kids see me when I felt like this but let’s be honest, kids know us better than we know ourselves. My kids shied away from me at first. That only added to their fear that everything wasn’t going to be ok like their father and I had promised. So, when they asked I took a deep breath and said, “Mommy is sad (or angry or whatever feeling it was) right now and she just needs a timeout to take a breath”. My kids, being typical kids would ask why and I told them, “Mommy is sad because this is all new to her too and I’m trying to figure it all out, but we’re all going to be ok”. My co-parent would tell them the same thing.

NEVER LIE TO YOUR CHILDREN

Kids are NOT stupid and they know when you aren’t telling the truth. If it’s something that is inappropriate to talk about with them, tell them that and promise that you’ll discuss it when they get older. If your ex spouse tells them something that isn’t true, you NEED to tell them the truth and then tell you ex that you did. Or tell the ex that the next time they come over, you as a family are going to discuss it together. All you have are your words and I am telling you now….being honest with my kids from the very beginning has given me credibility with them throughout.

FIND A SYSTEM THAT WORKS FOR YOU

We found it easiest in the beginning to correspond through email. We have also typed out the kids calendars and whatever notes we needed and gave it to the other when we exchanged the kids. We now use a site that has a great share calendar function. Bottom line is…YOU NEED A SYSTEM.

Both parents are entitled to know when the little league games are, when the programs at school are, if the kids have a party they need to attend. They also need to know if one of the children has been misbehaving or has a punishment that is being enforced at one house so that punishment can be enforced at the other.

My ex and I looked at it that we are two homes with a united front. The kids are not going to play either one of us. If one of the kids is grounded from television at one home, they are grounded from television at the other home.

That is not to say that the rules are exactly the same. That said, my son will sometimes come home to “rat” out that his sister did something that would not be allowed at our house. I simply say, “Dad’s house, Dad’s rules” and he’d argue and I’d say, “If it’s something that bothers you, then you need to explain to your Dad that this is the rule at our house, I like that rule and I want it at your house too”. The only rule we both try to enforce is bedtime (and that took awhile) because we both realized that if the kids get off schedule, WE are the ones paying the price.


TAKE THE HIGHER GROUND ALWAYS

I know my ex would argue that he takes the higher ground often, just as I would say the same. But the bottom line is, if you are both taking what you believe to be the higher ground it’s a win-win. Does it really make anything better to fight about it? Who are you hurting by refusing to change your schedule around? The kids!! Remember…THE CHILDREN COME FIRST. This is also where the higher ground thing comes in. I KNOW how frustrating it can be when you have plans and out of the blue, he/she can’t/won’t take the kids. Take the higher ground and keep the kids. If it’s something he/she pulls often, take it to a mediator and let them figure it out.

FIGHTING IN FRONT OF THE CHILDREN IS NOT ALLOWED

You’re divorced or separated now, fighting in front of them wasn’t ok when you were married. It is REALLY not ok to do it now. It scares the children. They wonder if they are going to get to see the other parent now because they saw you fighting. I speak from experience on this one. We tried very hard to be grown ups always. But at the very beginning of our separation I lost it and screamed at him in front of the kids. When the anger subsided and I looked at my kids faces, well let’s just say NOTHING is worth that look you’ll see in their eyes. If you can’t speak calmly and rationally, WALK AWAY. Call and talk to him/her later or get a sitter and go over and have a face to face without the little ears listening.

TALK TO YOU KIDS

Yep, that’s right. Ask them how they feel, especially at the beginning. Let them know it’s ok to be sad, you are too. Talk to them about anything and everything. This is the time when the television gets turned off and you are spending some serious quality time with your kids or leave the television on and snuggle on the couch. Let them know you are there for them and no question will go unanswered.

We do three things at dinner every night and we take turns going around the table and one at a time we share three things that has happened during our day. It can be as simple as what you had for breakfast but it has to be from that day but you HAVE to participate. We’ve extended it to whoever joins us for dinner and I can tell you, children as young as two with a little help can tell you what they did that day.

From those three things, questions can be asked to get the kids to share more about their day…example: “I had a sandwich for lunch” “Really, what kind” or “Who did you sit next to when you ate it” or “Did you have recess in the gym or outside after you ate it”. See it’s easy…TALK TO YOUR KIDS!!

BRING THE KIDS TO A COUNSELOR

You have a great support network, you are not fighting in front of the kids, you think you’ve explained everything and have a good open connection. Well, you know what? Maybe they still have questions or concerns. A good family psychologist can help with that. Your pediatrician can refer you to a specialist in that area. My son only needed to go a few times before the therapist assured me we were doing a good job but he did ask her questions. The same questions he had asked us but he apparently needed to hear it from an outside source.

I explained to him before he went that she was a doctor who talked to lots of kids whose parents didn’t live together anymore and she was there just for him. She played checkers with him and they just talked about how he was feeling. She had him draw a picture of his two new houses and helped explain the dynamics of how it all worked. He loved her and he knew that if he ever wanted to go play checkers with her again he just had to ask.

CONTINUE YOUR ROUTINES

If you always went out to breakfast on Sunday morning, keep going. If you can’t afford it anymore, make breakfast at home but make a bigger deal about it by having everyone help plan the menu.

If Daddy was the one who read the bedtime story, pick up the phone and have Daddy read a book over the phone. We had some of the same books so that we could follow along as Daddy read.

SHARE THE INFORMATION

As private as divorce is and no matter how it makes you feel, you need to share the information with the people who are interacting with your children on a regular basis. Tell the teachers, the daycare providers, the grandparents. I’m not saying to share the dirty laundry, just a simple, “XX and I are getting a divorce. If you see any behavior or if they have any questions I’d appreciate it if you could let me know”. Chances are the kids are going to tell them so don’t let them be taken off guard.

Let’s face it, there is a stigma attached to divorce and when the kids decide to share the information, isn’t it better for them to see the face of someone who knows and says, “Yes, they are. Is there anything you want to talk about”?

My children’s teachers all know at the beginning of the year because I tell them at the “Meet And Greet.” By their choice, my children tell them on the first day of school. My son’s teacher once said that she was concerned because he told her so openly right away that his parents didn’t live together. But she soon found out that he is completely ok with the situation and that she would never have guessed he was a child of divorce because he is not attention seeking and is just so matter of fact about the situation. I took that as a huge compliment that we were doing something right.

NEVER BAD MOUTH THE OTHER PARENT TO YOUR CHILDREN

Let’s face it, you got divorced for a reason and those same annoying habits will continue through the divorce but do the kids really need to hear how irresponsible you think the other parent is? You are taking away your kids self esteem with each negative comment. You are making them choose a side. You are creating an environment of secrets that kids feel they have to keep.

Let me give you an example that I just heard in the grocery store…A little boy of about 8 asked his mom for a certain kind of chocolate milk and she said no and he asked why. She said, “Just because your Dad has the kind of money to throw around buying you stuff like that does not make it your favorite! Your DAD has more money than us and if he wants to spoil you with that kind of stuff that’s his decision but DON’T think I have to do the same”. I was completely on the floor and wanted to shake her and tell her to look at the face of that innocent little boy who simply wanted some chocolate milk. That said, I do understand that money might be tight and maybe she truly couldn’t afford the milk but wouldn’t it just have been easier to say that instead of bashing Dad??

And, the ultimate… Don’t bad mouth the ex’s new love. That person could quite conceivably be their new bonus parent. Do you really want your kids to think less of that person who is going to be spending a considerable amount of time with your child?? Get over yourself, you don’t have to live with that person and as long as they are not harming your children mentally or physically, keep your mouth SHUT!!

STAY INVOLVED IN YOUR CHILDREN’S LIVES

Just because your custody agreement says Thursday through Sunday does NOT mean you should not be at their game on Tuesday or the school program on Wednesday. Anything that you would have been at during marriage should still be attended.

And, here’s the kicker, try to sit near each other so it appears that you are supporting them together. As for birthdays, why shouldn’t Mom and Dad be there?? Do you truly hate the person who gave you these beautiful children so much that you can’t smile and spend two hours together for their sake??

I’m not saying you have to invite the new girlfriend/boyfriend, although that too would be nice but you CAN be the bigger person and invite the ex. And, grandparents are still grandparents, they should be included.

KEEP THE “EXTRAS” OUT OF THE EQUATION

Yes, I’m talking about the new “friends”. Your children don’t need to meet every person you go out to coffee with. They certainly don’t need to wake up to a face they’ve never seen. We have a rule that we have abided by since we separated. The only “friends” our children are meeting are those that we seriously think could be a permanent fixture in their lives. We also discussed it with each other before we introduced the kids. Yes, it isn’t pleasant to hear but think how much easier it is for the kids when you can start the conversation, “So, did you enjoy meeting so and so”? No secrets. The kids feel at ease because they don’t have to worry about hurting your feelings because you are asking them.

EASE THE KIDS INTO MEETING THE “EXTRAS”

Don’t let the first meeting be a huge deal or a surprise to them. When my kids met the person I was dating, they had actually met him several times at get-togethers with a lot of other people so he wasn’t a “stranger”. When he came over by himself I had told the kids that he was coming for dinner and answered their questions. He didn’t try to be their best friend or bring them a gift, he was just my new friend and slowly he did things with me and the kids.

My kids immediately had a million questions if I was going to marry him or if he was going to live with us and I answered them honestly that I wasn’t sure but that he was a nice person and I like spending time with him.

WHAT IF THE “EXTRA” HAS KIDS

DON’T do the play dates until you are relatively sure that person is going to be around for awhile. Think how confusing it must be for kids to meet the other person and their kids and hang like one big happy family only to figure out a month down the road that you don’t truly like this person. Your kids don’t see all the pieces to that puzzle and now they are confused as to why they aren’t going to see their new friends. You should also have met those kids before they meet yours. There are people that you’ll meet that you just know are not going to be good for you and that most certainly includes kids. Make sure you like them and that you can see yourself as part of those children’s lives before you subject your children to them. It’s also a good gauge to see if your parenting styles are similar. I strongly stand behind the idea that your new mate should have similar views because there could possibly be four parents raising the kids by the time is all said and done and if all four have different parenting styles you are setting yourself up for disaster. This goes back to the KIDS COME FIRST. Even if someone was my dream come true, if they aren’t good for my kids’ well being, they WILL NOT be a part of my life because MY CHILDREN’S HAPPINESS COMES FIRST, not mine. They’ve already lived through the divorce.

DON’T LET YOUR KIDS RULE YOUR LIFE

This may seem a bit contradictory after the last paragraph but what I mean by this is…don’t let your kids play you. They do not need to know that you will not date someone because they don’t like them. Some kids will play that card because they want Mommy and Daddy to be together. They need to know that you value their opinion and are listening to them but they should NEVER feel that they have the upper hand and can control your life.

MAKE THEIR “BONUS” HOME AS COMFORTABLE AS THEIR “MAIN” HOME

My ex and I have always referred to his home as their bonus home, bonus bedroom, etc. “We” helped them move in to that space. My children picked out things that they wanted to bring to their bonus home and things that were extremely important they have at both homes, we bought duplicates. They picked out their new bedding and pjs for the bonus house and a bag that would transport the stuff they wanted to bring back and forth.

Establish a drawer in the kitchen and bathroom that is “THEIR” drawer so they know that when they come over their things will be just as they left them. The kitchen drawer had their favorite snacks, the refrigerator drawer had their favorite juice, and the bathroom drawer had their toothbrushes, bubble bath and hair stuff. When they are going to their bonus house and want to bring something, let them bring it!!

MAKE THE KIDS COMFORTABLE TO GO TO THE BONUS HOUSE

My daughter was three when we separated and she was a MESS when it was time to go to Daddy’s house. She finally told me Daddy didn’t have all the stuff we had. That came as a shock because we thought that he did and were so careful with all the other stuff to fill his house and including them in the choices.

I took her to Target and said, “Ok, what doesn’t Daddy have that we do”. She picked out a pasta spoon, pizza cutter, the same ice cream scoop we had and stuff like that. She wanted the same size snack baggies and the same candle that I had in the kitchen, easy stuff that I never had thought of but gave her comfort. The relief in her little face when we went to Daddy’s to put the stuff away almost made me cry.

THEY HAVE TO GO TO THE BONUS HOUSE

When we first separated my kids were sad to leave me. I was the primary care giver for their whole life and now they were forced to go somewhere without me for the weekend. My daughter would cry and sometimes beg to stay home but as hard as this is to do…Kiss them, hug them, tell them you are a phone call away but that it is Daddy’s weekend to spend with them. Explain that Daddy misses them very much and this is “his” time with them and although you are going to miss them it is Daddy’s weekend and you will see them soon.

We found it easier for him to pick the kids up rather than me dropping them off. She would still call, especially at bedtime sobbing that she wanted to be in “her” bed. I’d gently explain that she had her bonus bed to sleep in and that she would have the same sweet dreams there if she would just give it a chance and I’d hang up and cry myself.

Kids are not stupid and if they feel they are in control and that either parent will come rushing to the rescue they are going to play that card. It took awhile for her not to “try” to stay at my house but now she happily climbs in Daddy’s car and waves goodbye blowing kisses out of the window.

GO THE EXTRA MILE

This paragraph is for the non primary care giver at the time of divorce. My ex is an awesome dad but he wasn’t the guy who did everything for them and was kind of at a loss as to how engaged he needed to be. He started out with them going non stop when he had them for the weekends and he was exhausted trying to keep up with that. He figured out that the kids didn’t care what they were doing, just that they were doing it with Daddy. When I explained that my weekends weren’t like that. That errands, cleaning and the likes of which are part of daily life and the kids didn’t think less of him if he needed to spend a couple of hours doing stuff like that on their weekend it all seemed to gel.

GET THE IMPORTANT INFORMATION IN WRITING

I’m talking the doctor office number and name of the primary doctor, dentist office number and closest urgent care. Allergies to medications. Any pertinent health information. How much they weigh. Fill out the same kind of form that you would if you were changing clinics. It’s hard to remember all that stuff, especially if you have more than one child so write it down.

DON’T BE AFRAID TO ASK

Being the non primary care giver leaves you in situations you don’t necessarily know how to handle. ASK!! Your co-parent is not going to think less of you if you don’t know how much Tylenol to give or that you don’t know if your kids prefer the bubble gum flavor to the grape.

PICK UP THE PHONE

By this I mean whenever something happens in your child’s life that excites you or them, call and have you or your child share it with your co-parent. Why should they have to wait until their scheduled pick up time to hear that they got 100% on a test or hit a homerun or lost a tooth? Ask yourself if you would like to wait for that news? If the answer is no, then PICK UP THE PHONE!!

This also pertains to vacations. This is new to your kids not to have both parents. Have them call at least a couple of times to share their adventures of their trip and let them pick out something to bring the ex.

IF THE KIDS HAVE A QUESTION, LET THEM ASK IT

Don’t try to answer for the other. You aren’t married anymore and just because you think you know the answer doesn’t make it right for you to answer it. If the ex doesn’t show up for something the kids were expecting them at and they ask you why, tell them that you aren’t sure and they need to ask them. I’m not implying that for every case, if the ex calls to tell you they have to work or something has come up, share that with your child prior to the function but if you don’t know why, have them ask. You don’t look like you are trying to keep them from the other parent.

TRY TO STILL DO THE OCCASIONAL THING AS A “FAMILY”

Ok, I know you are probably rolling your eyes at this one and it may take a little time but I feel it is EXTREMELY important for the kids to see you interacting as friends. You’d go out to dinner with a friend right? So, after a soccer game, go out to dinner and enjoy it as a family. It’s an hour of your life and a huge moment for your kids.

GET DUPLICATE PHOTOS

Ok, let’s face it, you are no longer going to be with your kids 24/7 and they are going to be doing things that are captured on film. Wouldn’t it be nice to have all those memories? It’s an extra couple of dollars to make doubles, MAKE THEM!! And, yes, order them a school or sport photo too.

ACKNOWLEDGE FATHERS/MOTHERS DAY AND/OR CHRISTMAS

Yes, you aren’t married anymore. The ex was a crappy gift giver when you were. Who CARES now. Your kids need to know that you think it important enough to help them pick out or make a card for that special day. Remember, they gave you these wonderful smiling faces, is thanking them with a card going to kill you?  Allowing your kids to pick out a gift is an extra bonus.  It also shows your kids that you still care about the other parent and gives them a sense of security with your new family dynamic.

HAVE A SUPPORT NETWORK

I am fortunate to have a large, loving family and a network of friends but if you don’t then get yourself a therapist and a good babysitter. There are going to be days you don’t feel like getting out of bed. Days in which you are so sad that you don’t know where to even start. You aren’t good for yourself and you aren’t good for the kids. On those days, call someone from the support network or the trusty babysitter and be by yourself or with someone, the main point is…get it together and BREATHE!! You’ll make it through the day and soon enough those days will get less and less difficult.